You'll do anything other than looking for a partner online --
watch TV reruns, clean the bathroom, complain about your dating
troubles, or even call your mother. You freeze up and question
yourself repeatedly when it's time to meet someone for coffee,
make the next call, date, or move on to the first kiss.
Sound familiar? It's all too common, whether you're new to
dating or a seasoned but burnt-out veteran. When you find it
hard or even impossible to date, even though you're lonely and
hungry for a romantic connection, you have what I call Dating
Dawdlitis (DD).
Actually most singles have at least a touch of DD. We get
tongue tied and run the other way instead of saying hello to the
cute guy on the train or the hot girl who works in the office.
When we need to find a profile photo, we see nothing but
pimples, warts and just how big our nose really is. We write and
rewrite our emails to prospective dates, trying to be more
clever, more real, and more funny, more whatever -- that
mysterious quality that makes us irresistible. And when we're on
a date with an attractive partner, we get awkward or quiet or
start babbling gibberish.
There's another form of DD, we have pulled back because
"nobody's good enough." We've dated a string of nerds and losers
and that's enough, thank you very much. What we don't look at is
how our own superiority masks a certain insecurity, a secret
belief that, "There's something really wrong with me."
When DD is full-blown, we may be paralyzed to the point where
we can't or don't even try to jump into the pool of possible
dating partners. And even if we do manage to date, negative
thoughts lurk in our minds like boogey men, ruining any chance
of we have of simply being ourselves or having a good time.
DD is what stands between you and love, between you and those
cozy nights of afterglow cuddling. But here's the good news: You
can beating Dating Dawdlitis. All you need to do is get off the
couch and take these four steps that will build your
self-confidence and courage.
Step 1: Understand you're not alone. Most, if not all singles,
have been through some form of DD. It's OK to feel anxious,
scared, intimidated, weird, or awkward. In fact, it's OK to feel
whatever you're feeling.
Step 2: Understand that falling flat on your face is part of
the romantic process. You're supposed to make mistakes. That's
how you learn. You learn to walk by falling down. You learn to
date by writing idiotic emails, sticking you foot in your mouth,
and making clumsy, silly and just plain wrong moves. It's OK.
It's just part of the process. Besides, the right person will
find those not-cool things endearing and adorable! Take a
moment, close your eyes, and visualize being your not-cool self
and someone who is the One chuckling, smiling, and really
digging it.
Step 3: Understand you need to train yourself to take action.
Almost any action!! Email five hotties that are "out of your
league." Send that email response you've edited three times.
Open your mouth and say something, anything, to any cutie
around. And I do mean anything at all. Anything is infinitely
better than nothing. And once you practice jumping in, you'll be
surprised at the possibilities that open up for you
I don't think you find love when you least expect it. That's as stupid as saying, "You'll get a job when you least expect it." Do you think anyone would ever recommend that a person interested in a new career should not look? Don't send out a resume either, I suppose. Don't search in the classifieds for a new job. In fact, just give up the job search all together and suddenly, miraculously your dream job will show up, unannounced… when you least expect it! Right? Wrong! That entire thought process is insane!
Step 4: Understand it is normal to get 'knocked out'. Putting
yourself out there in the dating world is a form of
interpersonal training that is similar to learning to box. You
are supposed to get knocked out until you meet the right
opponent. Then you might trade some blows, but the whole thing
is very exciting and you spend a great deal of time clutching
and holding each other close.
Similarly, when you are training to be in a loving
relationship, expect to get rebuffed or "rejected." It happens.
When it does, you are that much closer to meeting your match. So
give yourself a reward for succeeding. Because even though it
didn't work out with the last person, the bottom line is that
you are moving yourself forward. You sent that email, made that
call, went on that date. You put yourself out there and that's
what counts. Get a Caramel Macchiato, go shoe shopping, or call
to your best buddy who moved to Katmandu. After you do, hang out
with friends who love you for who you are. Also, recall your
visualization of the One being fascinated, amused, and loving
you from Step Two.
As you take these steps, train and reward yourself with
mini-celebrations you will build a whole new habit pattern of
playing full-out in the dating arena. In fact, you will be well
on your way to being with that one person who absolutely enjoys
all the different cool and not-so-cool facets of you. And your
Dating Dawdlitis will be a thing of the past.
For the latest research on this topic and on creating love that
is just right for you read my new book, Love in 90 Days: The
Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., developed a unique
approach to dating that over the last 25 years has helped
thousands of single women get the love they want. Her popular
love workshops have been featured in major media around the
world and she is a frequent guest on the Today Show. Dr. Diana's
new book is Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your
Own True Love. Visit http://www.lovein90days.com/
for Dr. Diana's
etips, blog, dating advice articles, daily affirmations and
discussion forum.
