Match? Match I hear you cry, is there such a thing? It makes it all sound
like a game of Snap. Well yes I think there is such a thing. Who do we match
with? I think the first issue is to know who we are and what we are about.
Once we know this then we can work out who we can possibly match with. That
innocent comment is where a lot of people fall down. I am often surprised
how little people take a good look at themselves. You may feel that you
perfectly suit Brad Pitt or Pamela Anderson but then do you really know much
about them?
Sure we often want to match ourselves with people of certain look and
physical properties and that is entirely natural. However if we weigh 300
lbs and have never seen the inside of a gym then I think its fair to say
that we may not be the perfect match to a sportsman or a model. Why? Well
simply because nature tells us that we match with likes. On a base level we
are here, says nature, to procreate and so we select accordingly.
That of course on its own would be too shallow a premise to write this
article but the first element of any match is physical compatibility.
Matching with someone on a purely physical level is not enough to last. Sex
is a part of any relationship to some degree so looks do matter, even if to
a small extent. After all you must be able to wake up next to that person
for months or years to come, and you must want to be able to make love to
them in some form, even if its simply kissing. I often here some people say
that appearance is not important to them and I am always impressed. What
they really mean is that looks are not important as along as you like the
look of that person already. Looks are only ever important if you do not!
Many relationships fail where sex is missing or unsatisfactory, where
physical contact in many forms is lost. When that occurs the foundations of
a relationship can be rocked so we must say that appearance and therefore
physicality in any match is an important factor. The first thing you may
look at when you meet someone may be their eyes, smile, teeth, hair,
handshake, kiss and physique etc. They are all physical attributes.
The other problem about matching physically is that we may not truly know
how physically attracted we are until much further into a relationship we
are. It may be sometime before physical intimacy is shared and sexual
contact occurs. Therefore an emotional, even love, match may have already
developed further. But we do try matching with people, look at fashion. The
way we dress and the way we appear in daily life speaks volumes about who we
are. Maybe money is tight and we don’t have the cash to look our best. That
is true. But what we can do for ourselves by way of presentation comes
through loud and clear. Not making an effort is the biggest criticism I hear
about guys on a first date. If a woman makes a great deal of effort then a
man should respect himself and his date enough to look as good as he can do
too.
Okay so we also know that in time appearance and the physical aspects of a
relationship become far less important as we get to know a person
emotionally and that mental contact with someone becomes far more powerful
an influence. Yet initially matching with someone it is still extremely
important. We all discuss, chat, talk, debate, joke, laugh, speak etc and it
is all because we are identifying with each other and building the
foundations of an emotional connection. It may be found in a shared
experience or hobby, activity or event. It may be found in opposing powerful
views discovered in conversation accompanied by profound respect and deep
seated desire to extend this connection further. It may be that we share the
same type of pet, a similar liking for certain foods even similar books we
read, but they are emotional connections that are essential in establishing
any connection. As we can see, initial matching is a complex scenario.
The next important factor in any match is location. I could match with
someone right now in Australia, but unless I am in Australia then it doesn’t
help me begin a relationship. I may consider flying to Australia to meet my
match but then can I sustain my match and help us grow? Well of course that
depends on the two individuals involved, their circumstances, position, age,
regularity of meeting and planned future. The reality as we know for single
people is that long distance matches tend not to work unless both parties
come together quite quickly after meeting. I agree that some long distance
matches do and will work really well, but it is not the norm. So what I am
arguing here is that when we look at who we match with, let’s be reasonably
certain that our locality to those we meet and match with allows for a
relationship to develop. Whilst I may meet someone in Los Angeles who is
perfect for me, unless I am prepared to move, visit often or relocate then
maybe my match is not my best choice for me.
One thing often overlooked in matching with someone is humour. Yes we often
specify that someone must have a great sense of humour. And everyone reading
this will say, yes they have a great sense of humour. To them! And that’s
the killer qualifier. The sense of humour in a high quality match between
two people is where it is shared and unquantifiable. Where the humour is at
a subtly understood level is essential. What makes one person laugh does not
make another person laugh. And yet I watch so many people co exist without
every laughing together and it makes me sad. A solid relationship will have
moments where common laughter is essential, where the sense of humour
between two people is almost unspoken. That I believe is one of the key
ingredients in any true match. You may really be attracted to someone but of
they don’t make you laugh you may be wasting your time.
Background sometimes has an influence in a good matching scenario because it
has prepared you both with similar social experiences and belief systems.
This may be true of schooling, parental experiences, locations lived in,
travel undertaken, or even just activities and sports accomplished. This is
a wide area and there are no definites but we do know from decades of
surveys and evidence that people do tend to stay romantically within their
own social strata. This means that people stay with those who they feel most
comfortable with. This may be because their common experience and
understanding promotes the feeling of a good match.
Outlook on life really is underestimated. If you both have the same goals in
life you may make a great match. If you have differing career goals, travel
plans, ambitions and personal goals, you could be wasting your time
together. There is a huge temptation to offer to compromise when you really
meet someone you feel you match with. This may be the wrong thing to do.
Because what you are doing is compromising for now. You haven’t solved
anything that is important to you, you have simply put it on hold. It may
come back to haunt you. Then again you may feel terribly happy to move to
San Diego, relocate to Seattle, or cohabit in Anchorage. Often life has no
set paths and so this could be perfect to allow the match to develop
properly. But the reality is that you both should hold some common opinions
and values, maybe in terms of religion, social beliefs or simple views on
life and children. Whatever it is, the more you share, the stronger your
match is likely to be.
So in the end we meet someone. We like the look of them and they like the
look of us, we laugh and chat together, we build an emotional link through
conversation and knowledge and we are attracted to each other on multiple
levels. We find we have a shared experience through our backgrounds and we
share similar outlook on life and oh yes, we live in the same neighbourhood.
Match made in heaven? Possibly and possibly not. Love is not just about
matching, it is about instant chemistry, something enigmatic and mysterious,
not quantifiable. For all the right reasons we can fall in love in an
instant with the wrong people and then again, we can simply not find it
within us to love someone who appears so right.
And for that, I have no answer.
The author, Ian McNeice is the founder and owner of the international dating www.LoveBrowser.com
and dating advice site 
